Waiting Rooms…

I don’t like waiting. I like to get on with things, make them happen. So, when I find myself repeatably in a place where I have no control over events and must just wait, I struggle…

In July 2020 my voice began to change, become raspy and broken. I went to my doctor in August and after no change in the following weeks he referred me on to an ear, nose, and throat (ENT) specialist. Upon receiving my referral, I rang for an appointment, by then it was November 2020. I was informed they could fit me in in February 2021 – 3 months wait to find out what was going on with my voice. By God’s grace, that wait was cut short when a cancellation meant I only waited a week.

The specialist looked at my throat with a tiny camera and showed me my very enlarged and red right vocal cord. She then ordered tests and a biopsy under anaesthetic for January. Christmas came and went and still I didn’t know what was causing my problem.

By the end of January, I was anxious, a bit scared, and thoroughly sick of waiting! The results when I finally got them showed that I had a cancerous growth on my right vocal cord which would need treating. The only viable treatment after radiotherapy was ruled out was to have a Laryngectomy, complete removal of my Larynx and half my thyroid. A date was set for the 6-hour operation, April 12^th 2021, 7 months after first visiting my doctor.

Waiting is hard, but it forces us to look to God to see us through each day. Waiting calls on us to stop, call a halt to action, rest and accept that we are not in control. It is a time for quiet and sitting at God’s feet. It is a time for relying on Him for whatever lies ahead. It is a time for prayer and contemplation…

It’s easy to say “don’t worry” but harder to put into practice. In the days, weeks, and months I spent in the waiting room I found myself constantly painting a picture of what my life may look like if I lost the ability to speak, the ability to eat normally, died. When we begin to paint pictures of what might happen then worry creeps in, we become anxious and start to despair. Peace evades us. 

But God’s peace is available even in the middle of the waiting and I have experienced it in the place where Imeet with God, Soul to soul, Spirit to spirit. We commune with him when we become still and let everything else fly out the window. There is an intentionality in quieting our souls. This is not passivity, waiting to see what happens, but a deliberate move inward towards him, and when we make that move, we begin to experience his peace deep within and we are able to rest in God. For each of us finding the “place” where we can meet with God will be different, for me it is when I sit quietly with my cross stitch in my hands and create something beautiful like this young girl sitting under a tree waiting for what I wonder…

As I look back now, over 3 years later, at what were some pretty dark days, I am amazed at God’s goodness and faithfulness as he journeyed with me through the waiting and the surgery, followed by 6 weeks in hospital unable to speak or eat other than through a tube up my nose! He was beside me even in those darkest moments and enabled me to push through the pain and the suffering until today I am able to live life to the full in my new normal knowing that he has got me, and I can face all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13).

Amen….