Have you ever wrestled with the question, “Who am I?”

I sure have.

As someone who has crossed cultural boundaries, my national identity as an American is shaken to the core. In a slow and pervasive way, India has invaded my identity and shaped me so much that I will never feel completely American again. Yet I’m not Indian either.

However, even more than my cultural identity, pain has shaped me. I’ve compared the way chronic pain changes your identity to how an addiction changes you. You can’t imagine yourself without the pain (not a positive thing). In a weird way, I had come to depend on the attention my pain brought me. Howard Thurman calls it out in a kind, but blunt manner: “There are many people who would feel cheated if suddenly they were deprived of the ego definition that their suffering gives them.”[1] I recognized myself in that statement and see it as a terrible problem. Pain seemed all-consuming, like all I had to experience or offer.

How else can I define myself?

With my spiritual director, I wrestled through these “Who am I?” questions. Yes, I want to be rid of my pain, but I didn’t know what would be left of me (or my self) if the pain wasn’t my main identity-forming feature. Is there anything left underneath the pain?

In my last posts, I have been introducing Internal Family Systems (IFS). This gentle and compassionate way of developing self-awareness required multiple posts. I’ve woven my personal story in with the presentation of the theory, so that you can understand the way IFS has helped me answer some of my deep wrestling over these identity questions.

The easiest way to explain IFS to you is through this diagram, which I adapted from Boundaries for Your Soul (211) (insert diagram). As Christians, we talk about God living in us through His Holy Spirit. His Spirit joins or quickens our Spirit. Inside each human is the imago Dei—God’s likeness in us. This separates us from the rest of creation and gives us value because each of us are made in God’s image. This core value of each of us is indestructible. Nothing that has happened or will happen to you can change your value in God’s eyes. Every human has this capacity to connect to God.

IFS calls this essence of humans Self, but I tend to refer to it as True Self. True Self is not complicated— it is who God made you to be when you are connected to him by his Spirit living inside you. True Self is teamwork, a partnership with God. False Self, which you can read much about by many insightful Christian authors, is also not complicated. When we live from our defensive reactions or selfish ambitions, we live from False Self. We grow in our spiritual lives when we discern the differences between the two. This takes time and practice. Pain, trauma, and long-term challenging situations make this distinction harder.

I also like the terminology from Boundaries for Your Soul that calls this core our Spirit-led Self because it emphasizes the living presence of God’s Spirit in our spirit. Yes, our personal spirit is valuable, but we want God’s leadership. When we are living from our Spirit-led Self, certain things are evident such as the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). IFS teachers list the 8 C qualities of True Self as calmness, clarity, curiosity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness. When these qualities are present in our life, we are in the right place!

As Christians, we often work very hard to develop these qualities in our lives and get frustrated with ourselves when we mess up, get irritated, or act selfish. Here is where IFS thinking presents a new way of thinking. Without judging and condemning our reactions and coping mechanisms that block our True Self, we can observe them, separate from them, and understand why we engage in these behaviors with regularity. These parts of us that grow so strong are trying to accomplish something good for us (protecting us), but they are doing it in unhealthy ways. We can honor the intention of the part and see the part transformed into healthier ways of being and acting.

If that potential for the Fruit of the Spirit and the qualities of True Self are there, then something is obviously stopping those characteristics of the True Self from freely flowing. That something is the parts of the soul as shown in this soul map. Managers, firefighters, and exiles react to block the free flowing of our Spirit-led Self. When our managers, firefighters, and exiles are running the show, we are living from False Self.

In my posts, I’ve fleshed out IFS theory by talking about my strongest manager, Survival Sarah. She has been working hard to keep me alive and functioning. What I didn’t realize is that Survival Sarah and her friend/enemy Fear were subconsciously orchestrating my life to completely avoid situations that trigger the pain of my exiles. Exiles are very sensitive—and with good reason. Many of us have legitimate hurt. The pain these exiles hold can be overwhelming, so our managers work night and day to prevent those activating (or triggering) events. My problem during my very bad years (2017-2020) was that even my managers couldn’t contain the physical and emotional pain of my Sadness exile. I lived in a constant state of overwhelm. My primary firefighting method during this time was taking pain medicine. Even though I knew the medicine wasn’t helping, I couldn’t stop myself from taking it. This frightened me.

Here’s the point. All these managers, firefighters, and exiles were blocking my Spirit-led Self. I didn’t feel like myself because my Self was overshadowed by all these protective and hurting parts. When I talk about doing “parts work,” it means “beholding” these parts, paying attention to them, understanding what they are trying to accomplish, and appreciating them for their attempts to help (let’s call this self-compassion). I need to learn to listen to the extreme beliefs that these parts hold. Survival Sarah used to believe that “EVERYTHING depends on me” and “I have to keep Sarah alive.” Now, my Spirit-led Self can tell her that, while I appreciate her efforts, that is no longer true. I have good people on my team who know my case and are here to help me. Primarily, my life is in God’s hands, and I don’t need Survival Sarah to try to take on His role.

I recently read part of a poem by Kenneth White, a poet who I don’t know very much about. But this snippet of one of his poems made me think of how Abraham might have felt when he stepped out into the unknown, following God’s call to a journey.

I was aware of a new land

a new world

but I was loath to name it too soon

simply content to use my senses

feeling my way

step by step into the reality…

I lived and moved

as I had never done before…

knew a larger identity…[3]

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Cautiously stepping into our inner world with God’s steadfast love covering us, we can take steps toward living from our True Self. This journey into the unknown is better when taken together:

If the ideas from my last posts have resonated with you, please contact me. I will be leading an online class that I’ve developed as part of my doctoral studeies called “Inner Workings.”

Dates:

November 11- December 16, 2026

Wednesday nights 8-10 PM India time/Wednesday mornings 9:30 AM Eastern Time

Cost:

$50/person [3]

Contact:

sarahpjose@gmail.com

Let me know if you are interested! As participants sign up, I’ll grow a WhatsApp group where we can begin initial conversations and get to know each other.

While we gather a community, you can start with any of these books to begin to identify and work with your parts:

No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz

Boundaries for Your Soul by Allison Cook and Kimberly Miller

Altogether You by Jenna Riemersma

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[1] Howard Thurman, The Creative Encounter, 52-53.

[2] Taken from Sacred Earth Sacred Soul by John Phillip Newell, 242

[3] Please email me if you would like to attend the class but cannot afford the fee. I don’t want financial challenges to limit your ability to learn and grow.